Not Today
by sosise
Summary: Just a day where he wouldn't want anybody, including Kanou to touch him. Pairings: Kanou X Ayase


I am really sorry I kinda abandoned my account. Please enjoy this one...

Enjoy!

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When people lived together, whether they want or not, they will starting to recognize, understand and adapt to the other person's habit. They had been living together for the whole 3 years, Kanou sighed. He knew what these symptoms meant. Ayase looked down, restless but weak. On his white face, he put on a smile which looked like the one he practiced on the bathroom mirror, and the smile stretched until its limit to stay there. Although to some random stranger it looked fine, Kanou could say it's unnatural. Ayase kept looking at the watch, sighing silently, refusing any bodily or eye contact. He was trying to keep himself in his own safety zone. Yes, he was always so guarded in this date of every year.

"let's just go sleep."

"…Yes. But I will… wash the dish first, Kanou-san. Please proceed without me."

Kanou sighed. Ayase went, running away from him. He knew Ayase needed his solitary. He understood why and he could comprehend it since it was only once a year. But he actually wanted to be different. He wished the blonde had started to believe him, to rely on him. But no. Apparently today was too special for Ayase. He just couldn't share it with Kanou. Although Kanou kind of knew what it felt.

To lose the family and be left alone.

*******

Kanou stared at the ceilings. He remembered the first time. First time was always bad.

On the same date, two years ago, Kanou went home as usual, feeling happy and awkward since they were just starting to compromise each other. Ayase had started to open up to him, which made him felt a bit… uhm, happy. No, make that excited beyond belief. Kanou smiled to the ceilings.

He was expecting a smiling Ayase welcomed him home. But what he got was a soft, weak and static welcome. Ayase was smiling, but he wasn't smiling. Somehow Kanou could tell. Ayase prepared his dinner, ate dinner with him, smiling but words never came out. It was silent.

In the bath, Kanou considered every possibility. Maybe Ayase was still afraid of him. Or maybe Ayase was trying to adapt himself to Kanou. Kanou should give him space. But the possibilities he counted under the shower didn't help much. When he came out, he saw Ayase was staring blankly at the clock. Kanou wasn't a man of silence when he could speak out. He decided to be supportive whenever he could. So he gently touched Ayase's hand from the other side of the table when they were finishing their dinner. But out of reflex, Ayase snapped and snatched away the hand which was touching his.

"…Ayase…" Kanou looked hurt. Ayase paled. He still smiling, but Kanou could see he was holding himself back from tears.

"SO..Sorry, Kanou-san. Just today… just… I… I'll clean up all this, so please go to bed."

Kanou sighed. "Fine." But it was never fine. That's why the next moment he grabbed Ayase by his arm, and forcefully took him in his arms. "What happen?"

"No. please… not…"

"What no?"

"Not today, not this night, please… no. I will do anything you want tomorrow, but not today. Please give me just this night to… sleep alone. To be alone."

"…Ayase?"

"I will wake you up tonight, maybe, that's why please go to bed without me. I will stay in the couch."

"You think I could let you sleep in the couch? No. if you want to be alone, then use the bed. I'll use the couch."

Ayase gulped down. "No, I will sleep outside. I am sorry, Kanou-san, please… let me be alone today."

*****

Kanou get the answer in half an hour. He read through Ayase's personal data he collected (a maniac stalker he was) and realized that day was the day Ayase's grandmother passed away, almost 3 years before.

He sighed. He could guess what Ayase was thinking. He had lost his father too, Kanou was. So he could understand the grief Ayase was having, although Kanou never admitted and let he himself be down to the grief. It was like suddenly he was the only person in the world. With nobody to call family as. Nobody will come home and nobody will eat dinner with him. Not that Kanou really cared, but he knew Ayase will care, and really care.

He consulted to Someya. No, more like he called Someya then hung up in the first waiting tone. He just couldn't let the okama know his weakness. He should overcome this alone. This is private, and he knows Ayase wouldn't be happy if he knew Kanou told anybody about that date. So he kept his silent, thinking his head until it hurts and fell asleep on the working chair fully dressed.

So when he suddenly woke up from his slumber, he hit the table. Pain crept through his patella, and he cursed. He went out of the room, looking at the watch. It was midnight.

He almost gets a heart attack when he saw Ayase. The pretty blond was sitting on the corner of the room, wrapped like ghost in blanket, hands holding himself, making him as small as possible. In the darkness of the room he could see some glistening light from the wet eyes. Those eyes were staring at the clock, just like possessed by something.

But the most disturbing was the endless stream of tears. If he didn't stop since he thought Kanou was sleeping, that's meant he was dehydrating at that moment. Kanou took a glass of water and came nearer. But when Ayase looked up to him, he couldn't move.

Beautiful. The grieving is simply making Ayase looked more stunning that he already was. Draped inside the blanket, halfway showing his face and sadness, he looked like a damsel in distress. No, make that perfect beauty in distress. All Kanou wants now is to make that tears stop flowing and those lips to lock with his, so Ayase wouldn't bite it until it bleeds like that.

"Ayase, I know this is hard, but just sleep. We'll go to the grave tomorrow. I promise. If you had tell me sooner, I will have took you there myself today, sorry."

Ayase was shocked and choked by his own saliva. He coughed badly but he held his calm afterwards.

"How do you… know?"

"I saw the calendar from your data. Sorry. Mind if I sit with you here?"

Ayase swallowed and moved a bit to give the big man place, which was totally unnecessary because Ayase was sitting on the floor, by the corner and there are plenty of free space to let Kanou sleep beside him.

"… Would you share?" Kanou felt like he was playing something from a third rate movie. Something with talking with family. Sharing feelings. He didn't do that. Kanou always talked what he wants and what he needs to. No need to share. But Ayase was different. He was introverted by nature, worsened by the death of his whole family and topped with being kidnapped, auctioned, sold, raped, owned by a sadist money company owner like Kanou. So someone got to start the talk.

He was right. The water pearls came faster from Ayase's eyes. Ayase started to sob, desperately clinging to his own thigh. Burying his face by his knee.

"Kan…ou san… I… I am a …bad… child. I… that's why I am left… alone."

"…"

"I… When grandma died that day… it was 12.02 a.m. and I was… sleeping. I was… sleeping outside the room. Burse told me she called me some times before, but I ignored it and slept. Because I had a test the next day. And I was tired waiting in the hospital room. No, it wasn't a good enough excuse. I just slept. And I lost her. She was my only… left. She stayed by me when everybody go. She made me happy belonged in a family when my parents passed away. She was my only one. And then she left me too… and I am alone."

Ayase closed his eyes, but tilted his head to face Kanou.

"I won't sleep today. I won't sleep and lost everything ever again."

"… it's fine. You don't need to keep yourself awake anymore."

"when… when… I was living alone in the apartment, I could listen to the clock ticking. They blame me. They blame me and that's why I was alone. With nobody to talk, nobody to share, nobody to eat with. I cooked for myself. I clean for myself. I paid for myself. I am living the world alone. I wasn't good dealings with loneliness, Kanou-san, but I am used to it now. Until my dear cousin came. And he made me happy. Just for a month, but he made me feel I am not lonely anymore."

"He was a bastard, he wasn't even your family."

"…that's why I am alone again. But I know I am thankful for everything you had done for me. I like you… the most because… you gave me… a family. I … Thank you, Kanou-san."

By that, Ayase lost his last thread of consciousness and Kanou caught him in time. He slowly carried the tired beauty to the bed. Covering him with blankets, and kissed him goodnight.

Kanou never felt like he wanted to cry. But he was, but he won't. He grabbed the small hand of Ayase's and put it on his lips.

"Thank you too." _You gave me family and you taught me how to love someone. Thank you. _

*****

"ssshhh…" Kanou whispered in Ayase's ear. "It's fine."

Ayase grunted softly and went back to sleep. It was getting better. Today Ayase didn't refuse to go to sleep early, although Kanou could feel Ayase was tense and he was having nightmare. All he could do was to rock Ayase softly so the nightmare went away.

Three years has passed. Ayase has improved a lot. He didn't cry anymore, although the sadness was still there. He slept in, although somehow he will wake up when the clock struck 12. He cried a bit, but after half an hour, Ayase will sleep back and clung to Kanou.

"Ka…."

"hmmm?"

"I am sorry…. I will do better next year. I am sorry."

"No, it's fine. We'll go visit her grave tomorrow, as usual." Kanou smiled and kissed the hair which smelled like heaven. "Just sleep."

"T…Thank you."

"You're welcome."

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wheew....

I am happy i made this.

would you like to tell me what you think?

Thank you for reading!


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